My rainbow

The week leading up to my Induction was a hard week.

All I was thinking was if something was going to happen it will happen soon, luckily I still had a week left to work to keep my mind busy, I can honestly say it was a good decision for me, I Finished my last night shift the Friday night and I was due to go in hospital the Monday morning, everybody thought I was mad but it helped me.

I kept myself busy on the Saturday and sunday so the week did fly by. When monday morning came I started to panic, I could feel myself going into a panic attack because the day was finally here and I was petrified that something would go wrong during labour or that if the baby was born alive then I would be on borrowed time and something would go wrong. After what we have been through it is practically impossible to see that happy ending being real.

I went into the hospital at 12, with a massive bag full of things to keep us all busy as we didn’t expect them to be able to break my waters straight away with only being 37 weeks. When they checked me she said I was already 4 cm dilated without any Contractions! And they were able to break my waters! I could not believe it! They then decided to wait 2 hours to see if my contractions would start on there own, nothing happened so they put me on a drip, I have now come to realise that I don’t have your textbook style Contractions I don’t have tightening pains, I have period type pains that develop into sharp stabbing pains across the lower stomach. I managed to cope with the pain on gas and air untill the contractions were on top of one another then I requested an epidural, they checked me first and said that my cervix is just coming away quickly then all of a sudden i had the urge to push and I knew there would be no epidural for me now and that I was close to the end!

The whole way through i focused only on the here and now and not the end result that got me through it. When they lifted my baby up and onto my chest and I heard the cry I felt like I was dreaming it didn’t seem real. I had a little cry and I was told I have a little boy! Who looks just like his big brother!

I could not stop staring at him, he was finally here safe and sound, the journey through pregnancy was finally over!! The relief I had was unreal it felt great like all the anxiety and stress has finally been lifted and I finally get to hold my child and get to take him home.

Before he was born I always thought about if he was a boy and if I would become depressed as he would be a constant reminder of lucas and a reminder of what I should have been doing with him which was taken from me. I can now say that isn’t the case, I am so happy and content and because lucas became an angel it has made me treasure every sleepless moment with his little brother.

Noah rory henderson was born 27/04/2015 weighing 7 lb 6oz at 10pm

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 Noah is now 3 weeks old and growing to fast!

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He was worth every bit of morning sickness and every bit of stress and anxiety.

I hope my journey has given you even the slightest bit of support and hope that we can get through this and we can see the end of the rainbow. It is hard and always will be whether it is the first pregnancy after a loss or the sixth! But one thing I have learnt from this journey is that we are strong and incredible women.

We are angel mummies.

Rachael

X.x

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down to ‘lasts’

I’m now down to my last week, 6 days until my induction day.

I had my last midwife appointment yesterday where she asked them to check my bloods to see if I’m immune to chicken pox as our friends son has them, luckily I am immune! Otherwise they would of had to delay the induction.

I also had my last scan with the consultant today, I was really nervous this time as I’ve been feeling so anxious lately and panicking that something is going to go wrong, he rushed this scan which I was disappointed about, he was measuring the stomach and usually I can see the baby’s heartbeat whilst he is doing it but I saw nothing this time and baby didn’t seem to move during the scan so I started to panic, then all of sudden he said he was done! So i had to ask if the placenta flow was still good which reminded him he needed to do it… so he had forgotten then I asked if that was the heartbeat we could hear but it was the placenta so he checked the heartbeat then… so I felt better after that.

The baby is now weighing 7 lb 10oz! Estimated wet weight so he said it will probably be a little less at the birth which is fine by me!

The more ‘lasts’ I have the more nervous I get as it’s just as bad as counting Down!

The closer I get the more I have Flash backs of last time and the week leading up to having lucas… It scares me as nobody seems to either remember or be concerned still as it all went down bank around labour. All my family are telling me how excited they are and how they can not wait for a cuddle and I just feel the added pressure like it’s my body that will fail again..

What I try to tell myself is there are so many ‘what ifs’ that are going through my head but I’m forgetting a big one…. what if things don’t go wrong? What if the baby and delivery is fine all that stress and worry for nothing.. There was a saying I  use to try and tell myself .

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This quote is so true and I try to tell myself to relax and think positive all the time as worrying isn’t going to change anything.

Postive.mental.attitude.

I need me some of that!!

Rachael

X.x

1 week to go!

The closer it gets the worse I become!

I now have in my mind that if anything is going to go wrong there’s only a week left for it to happen so I make myself panic more!

Today whilst having a shower my mind went into overdrive thinking how much pressure I have on me, my partner said last night that he is excited now as it’s only a week away which has added to the pressure that I need to get this right.. even though it could be out of my hands.

The end is so close but what kind of end I will have is unknown!? Every single person now is excited and counting down the days and have now completely forgotten that things could still go wrong so now I feel like all the worrying and realisation of things is all down to me to think about as nobody else seems to anymore, that makes me worry even more! As everyone has the mentality like this is it now all is well, how wrong can they be! I feel like screaming at them saying things can still go wrong or are they forgetting that my son lucas died during labour!? It may be different this time as I’m  monitored from the start but that does not mean that everything will be fine!

What makes it hard is that I can’t picture the happy ending, I do have thoughts about having the baby here at what we would do but those thoughts I had with lucas and that’s all they ended up being .. thoughts… so trying to imagine anything different is hard as I only know loss from birth, I’ve never experienced that cry, that congratulations it’s a boy or girl, that happy cry and first cuddle, those eyes opening and that skin to skin bond. All that was robbed from me with lucas.

I know no different so how can I imagine a different outcome.

I do hope and prey for that happy ending with a healthy living child that can stay with us on earth, otherwise why did I put myself and all my family through this again? It’s just hard to get your mind to think and expect different from what you remember.

I can honestly say I feel a meltdown coming on, I feel like my bucket is overfilled and bursting at the sides ready to explode any day now. I’m fighting back the tears when really I feel I need to cry and grieve for what is potentially coming which I didn’t get to experience with lucas, that happiness and excitement that I crave, having my baby alive in my arms. I want that so much. I wanted that so much with lucas.

Rachael

X.x

seeing the midwife I had throughout my pregnancy with lucas

Today I saw the midwife I had throughout my pregnancy with lucas, I was hoping I would get her through this pregnancy as she was great last time and we had bounded,plus she knew everything therefore it would have made things a lot easier in the long run.

Anyways as soon as I walked through the door you can tell when she looked at me that she recognised me straight away and that was great It shows they don’t just forget about you, even 3 years down the line! So it was nice to catch up and have her to do the checks on me again 🙂

So after having a few down days and stressing over movements that has really helped me to be a little more relaxed again.

2 weeks today is the day I am being Induced! She has told me to go in expecting it to be prolonged rather than going in hoping they can break my waters straight away as that will more than likely be the case so she wants me to be mentally prepared for that. I am a little sad that the chances of having a quick induction are slim but I need to be realistic about things otherwise I won’t have the mental state to cope!

I still haven’t Finished work yet, my last night shift is 2 days before I go in to be induced, people may think that’s really late but the later the better as staying at home with all the time in the world will only put my mind into overdrive on negative thoughts

Rachael

X.x

nightmares have returned!

So the nightmares have returned, after the episodes I had near to the beginning of this pregnancy they just randomly stopped and I never had one since, not pregnancy related anyway.

As the weeks go by the closer I get to 38 weeks when I lost lucas, now I know I won’t reach that point in this pregnancy as they are inducing me at 37 weeks but it still gets worse the closer I get. The anxiety starts creeping back and I am close to the end but yet it still feels so far away.

I am 35 weeks tomorrow so 2 weeks left, because of the anxiety and paranoia i still fell something is still going to go wrong, I have been trying to focus on movements which as you are probably well aware now has been impossible for me, I still haven’t gone on maternity leave yet but I am only in for 1 day this week so I figured I will have some time to focus on movements, I don’t know whether that’s a good thing or bad thing at this stage!

So the nightmare I had last night was that I woke up feeling wet and thought my waters had gone only to look down and see blood everywhere! This is no way related to my previous pregnancy as I didn’t have any bleeding problems before so that woke me up straight away and I had to go to the toilet to do a ‘check ‘ when I finally got back to sleep I had another nightmare only this time about movements which is my weak point, I didn’t notice I had reduced movements until it was too late , when that one woke me up I was rubbing my belly to try and wake baby up to move just to give me that reassurance I needed but it’s sods law that baby decided it was sleep time to and didn’t move, I tried to get back to sleep by telling myself it’s just a dream Its not real but that didn’t happen until baby showed some form of movement!

So now I feel my progress is slipping back and that there is nothing I can do about it 😦 everyone tells me to relax etc but it’s so much easier said than done, I think when I’m back at work for 4 shifts next week it will help to keep my mind busy.

I have a midwife appointment tomorrow so I think I will mention it to her see if she has any tips to help and I’m sure having the checks will helps to give me some peace of mind aswell.

Any tips or help please comment below, it would be very much appreciated.

Rachael

X.x

nursery

So the nursery is up and painted too 🙂

I thought I would give the other half something positive to do to be more involved with the preparing of the baby so I set him the task of decorating the nursery how he wants it 🙂

Looking back it was a very daring and brave decision to make as the colours he picked weren’t exactly what I had in mind or what we were discussing prior to him doing it but it’s growing on me now.

When I came home from work it was all painted he picked an orangey/brown colour for one of the walls and a grey colour for the rest and my worst nightmare was that he painted the skirting and door frame grey aswell! That will never grow on me it needs to go back white

The next day he even put the nursery furniture up and put all the bedding on etc which surprised me as we planned to wait until two weeks before our induction to put it up, I think it all gave him the positive boost he needed and I would say it made him excited about the baby ! So even though I haven’t loved the colours I’m happy to look at it and get the reminder that it helped him through this process

I surprised myself when I saw it all finished as I thought it would make me nervous and anxious as we had the cot etc up and everything was ready and waiting for lucas, but this time  because we are in our own home and it is all new stuff it doesn’t feel the same or like dejavu which is great anything that separates this pregnancy from my pregnancy with lucas helps mentally.

I even bought a comforter and soft blanket when I went food shopping so I am definitely stepping in the right direction 🙂

Rachael

X.x

4D scan

I had the scan at 30 weeks.

I was so nervous and excited, nervous because the day before the Consultant could not get a picture because the baby was lying right up against the placenta so I decided before I went to drink some full sugar coke to get the  baby moving to give us the chance to get a decent look.

This is new to me I’ve never had a 4D scan before and I loved the ones that the consultant does for us so I knew I would love this one even more because it’s solely for pleasure not for a check up if that makes sense. If I regret anything when having Lucas one of the things would be not getting a 3D scan with him, watching him move and his facial expressions alive would have been so precious.

You are allowed 4 people in with you so my partner came, my auntie and both my mum and mother in law . When we were in the scanning room we explained about lucas and told her we don’t know the sex of the baby this time so she made sure to stay clear of that area for us. We spent half an hour watching the screen as our baby,smiled, put his/her tongue out,pouted, rubbing their nose, hid their face, it was great! I enjoyed every minute of it and I was mesmerized by it all. It was definitely one of those stepping stone moments 🙂

To all of you wonderful ladies reading this I would highly recommend you having one of these done, yes some people aren’t a fan of what they look like on the pictures but that isn’t the best part, the best part is watching in real time your baby alive and moving and doing things it’s such a precious memory to have forever and you get it on a dvd so you will always be able to watch it over and over again 🙂

Here are a couple of my 200 (yes they gave me 200) pictures 🙂

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I love looking at the pictures as it reminds me of that day and how amazing it was.

Stay strong baby mummy needs you here in my arms alive and pulling those cute faces again 🙂

Rachael

X.x