My rainbow

The week leading up to my Induction was a hard week.

All I was thinking was if something was going to happen it will happen soon, luckily I still had a week left to work to keep my mind busy, I can honestly say it was a good decision for me, I Finished my last night shift the Friday night and I was due to go in hospital the Monday morning, everybody thought I was mad but it helped me.

I kept myself busy on the Saturday and sunday so the week did fly by. When monday morning came I started to panic, I could feel myself going into a panic attack because the day was finally here and I was petrified that something would go wrong during labour or that if the baby was born alive then I would be on borrowed time and something would go wrong. After what we have been through it is practically impossible to see that happy ending being real.

I went into the hospital at 12, with a massive bag full of things to keep us all busy as we didn’t expect them to be able to break my waters straight away with only being 37 weeks. When they checked me she said I was already 4 cm dilated without any Contractions! And they were able to break my waters! I could not believe it! They then decided to wait 2 hours to see if my contractions would start on there own, nothing happened so they put me on a drip, I have now come to realise that I don’t have your textbook style Contractions I don’t have tightening pains, I have period type pains that develop into sharp stabbing pains across the lower stomach. I managed to cope with the pain on gas and air untill the contractions were on top of one another then I requested an epidural, they checked me first and said that my cervix is just coming away quickly then all of a sudden i had the urge to push and I knew there would be no epidural for me now and that I was close to the end!

The whole way through i focused only on the here and now and not the end result that got me through it. When they lifted my baby up and onto my chest and I heard the cry I felt like I was dreaming it didn’t seem real. I had a little cry and I was told I have a little boy! Who looks just like his big brother!

I could not stop staring at him, he was finally here safe and sound, the journey through pregnancy was finally over!! The relief I had was unreal it felt great like all the anxiety and stress has finally been lifted and I finally get to hold my child and get to take him home.

Before he was born I always thought about if he was a boy and if I would become depressed as he would be a constant reminder of lucas and a reminder of what I should have been doing with him which was taken from me. I can now say that isn’t the case, I am so happy and content and because lucas became an angel it has made me treasure every sleepless moment with his little brother.

Noah rory henderson was born 27/04/2015 weighing 7 lb 6oz at 10pm

 Noah is now 3 weeks old and growing to fast!

 

He was worth every bit of morning sickness and every bit of stress and anxiety.

I hope my journey has given you even the slightest bit of support and hope that we can get through this and we can see the end of the rainbow. It is hard and always will be whether it is the first pregnancy after a loss or the sixth! But one thing I have learnt from this journey is that we are strong and incredible women.

We are angel mummies.

Rachael

X.x

down to ‘lasts’

I’m now down to my last week, 6 days until my induction day.

I had my last midwife appointment yesterday where she asked them to check my bloods to see if I’m immune to chicken pox as our friends son has them, luckily I am immune! Otherwise they would of had to delay the induction.

I also had my last scan with the consultant today, I was really nervous this time as I’ve been feeling so anxious lately and panicking that something is going to go wrong, he rushed this scan which I was disappointed about, he was measuring the stomach and usually I can see the baby’s heartbeat whilst he is doing it but I saw nothing this time and baby didn’t seem to move during the scan so I started to panic, then all of sudden he said he was done! So i had to ask if the placenta flow was still good which reminded him he needed to do it… so he had forgotten then I asked if that was the heartbeat we could hear but it was the placenta so he checked the heartbeat then… so I felt better after that.

The baby is now weighing 7 lb 10oz! Estimated wet weight so he said it will probably be a little less at the birth which is fine by me!

The more ‘lasts’ I have the more nervous I get as it’s just as bad as counting Down!

The closer I get the more I have Flash backs of last time and the week leading up to having lucas… It scares me as nobody seems to either remember or be concerned still as it all went down bank around labour. All my family are telling me how excited they are and how they can not wait for a cuddle and I just feel the added pressure like it’s my body that will fail again..

What I try to tell myself is there are so many ‘what ifs’ that are going through my head but I’m forgetting a big one…. what if things don’t go wrong? What if the baby and delivery is fine all that stress and worry for nothing.. There was a saying I  use to try and tell myself .

This quote is so true and I try to tell myself to relax and think positive all the time as worrying isn’t going to change anything.

Postive.mental.attitude.

I need me some of that!!

Rachael

X.x

1 week to go!

The closer it gets the worse I become!

I now have in my mind that if anything is going to go wrong there’s only a week left for it to happen so I make myself panic more!

Today whilst having a shower my mind went into overdrive thinking how much pressure I have on me, my partner said last night that he is excited now as it’s only a week away which has added to the pressure that I need to get this right.. even though it could be out of my hands.

The end is so close but what kind of end I will have is unknown!? Every single person now is excited and counting down the days and have now completely forgotten that things could still go wrong so now I feel like all the worrying and realisation of things is all down to me to think about as nobody else seems to anymore, that makes me worry even more! As everyone has the mentality like this is it now all is well, how wrong can they be! I feel like screaming at them saying things can still go wrong or are they forgetting that my son lucas died during labour!? It may be different this time as I’m  monitored from the start but that does not mean that everything will be fine!

What makes it hard is that I can’t picture the happy ending, I do have thoughts about having the baby here at what we would do but those thoughts I had with lucas and that’s all they ended up being .. thoughts… so trying to imagine anything different is hard as I only know loss from birth, I’ve never experienced that cry, that congratulations it’s a boy or girl, that happy cry and first cuddle, those eyes opening and that skin to skin bond. All that was robbed from me with lucas.

I know no different so how can I imagine a different outcome.

I do hope and prey for that happy ending with a healthy living child that can stay with us on earth, otherwise why did I put myself and all my family through this again? It’s just hard to get your mind to think and expect different from what you remember.

I can honestly say I feel a meltdown coming on, I feel like my bucket is overfilled and bursting at the sides ready to explode any day now. I’m fighting back the tears when really I feel I need to cry and grieve for what is potentially coming which I didn’t get to experience with lucas, that happiness and excitement that I crave, having my baby alive in my arms. I want that so much. I wanted that so much with lucas.

Rachael

X.x

seeing the midwife I had throughout my pregnancy with lucas

Today I saw the midwife I had throughout my pregnancy with lucas, I was hoping I would get her through this pregnancy as she was great last time and we had bounded,plus she knew everything therefore it would have made things a lot easier in the long run.

Anyways as soon as I walked through the door you can tell when she looked at me that she recognised me straight away and that was great It shows they don’t just forget about you, even 3 years down the line! So it was nice to catch up and have her to do the checks on me again 🙂

So after having a few down days and stressing over movements that has really helped me to be a little more relaxed again.

2 weeks today is the day I am being Induced! She has told me to go in expecting it to be prolonged rather than going in hoping they can break my waters straight away as that will more than likely be the case so she wants me to be mentally prepared for that. I am a little sad that the chances of having a quick induction are slim but I need to be realistic about things otherwise I won’t have the mental state to cope!

I still haven’t Finished work yet, my last night shift is 2 days before I go in to be induced, people may think that’s really late but the later the better as staying at home with all the time in the world will only put my mind into overdrive on negative thoughts

Rachael

X.x

nightmares have returned!

So the nightmares have returned, after the episodes I had near to the beginning of this pregnancy they just randomly stopped and I never had one since, not pregnancy related anyway.

As the weeks go by the closer I get to 38 weeks when I lost lucas, now I know I won’t reach that point in this pregnancy as they are inducing me at 37 weeks but it still gets worse the closer I get. The anxiety starts creeping back and I am close to the end but yet it still feels so far away.

I am 35 weeks tomorrow so 2 weeks left, because of the anxiety and paranoia i still fell something is still going to go wrong, I have been trying to focus on movements which as you are probably well aware now has been impossible for me, I still haven’t gone on maternity leave yet but I am only in for 1 day this week so I figured I will have some time to focus on movements, I don’t know whether that’s a good thing or bad thing at this stage!

So the nightmare I had last night was that I woke up feeling wet and thought my waters had gone only to look down and see blood everywhere! This is no way related to my previous pregnancy as I didn’t have any bleeding problems before so that woke me up straight away and I had to go to the toilet to do a ‘check ‘ when I finally got back to sleep I had another nightmare only this time about movements which is my weak point, I didn’t notice I had reduced movements until it was too late , when that one woke me up I was rubbing my belly to try and wake baby up to move just to give me that reassurance I needed but it’s sods law that baby decided it was sleep time to and didn’t move, I tried to get back to sleep by telling myself it’s just a dream Its not real but that didn’t happen until baby showed some form of movement!

So now I feel my progress is slipping back and that there is nothing I can do about it 😦 everyone tells me to relax etc but it’s so much easier said than done, I think when I’m back at work for 4 shifts next week it will help to keep my mind busy.

I have a midwife appointment tomorrow so I think I will mention it to her see if she has any tips to help and I’m sure having the checks will helps to give me some peace of mind aswell.

Any tips or help please comment below, it would be very much appreciated.

Rachael

X.x

nursery

So the nursery is up and painted too 🙂

I thought I would give the other half something positive to do to be more involved with the preparing of the baby so I set him the task of decorating the nursery how he wants it 🙂

Looking back it was a very daring and brave decision to make as the colours he picked weren’t exactly what I had in mind or what we were discussing prior to him doing it but it’s growing on me now.

When I came home from work it was all painted he picked an orangey/brown colour for one of the walls and a grey colour for the rest and my worst nightmare was that he painted the skirting and door frame grey aswell! That will never grow on me it needs to go back white

The next day he even put the nursery furniture up and put all the bedding on etc which surprised me as we planned to wait until two weeks before our induction to put it up, I think it all gave him the positive boost he needed and I would say it made him excited about the baby ! So even though I haven’t loved the colours I’m happy to look at it and get the reminder that it helped him through this process

I surprised myself when I saw it all finished as I thought it would make me nervous and anxious as we had the cot etc up and everything was ready and waiting for lucas, but this time  because we are in our own home and it is all new stuff it doesn’t feel the same or like dejavu which is great anything that separates this pregnancy from my pregnancy with lucas helps mentally.

I even bought a comforter and soft blanket when I went food shopping so I am definitely stepping in the right direction 🙂

Rachael

X.x

4D scan

I had the scan at 30 weeks.

I was so nervous and excited, nervous because the day before the Consultant could not get a picture because the baby was lying right up against the placenta so I decided before I went to drink some full sugar coke to get the  baby moving to give us the chance to get a decent look.

This is new to me I’ve never had a 4D scan before and I loved the ones that the consultant does for us so I knew I would love this one even more because it’s solely for pleasure not for a check up if that makes sense. If I regret anything when having Lucas one of the things would be not getting a 3D scan with him, watching him move and his facial expressions alive would have been so precious.

You are allowed 4 people in with you so my partner came, my auntie and both my mum and mother in law . When we were in the scanning room we explained about lucas and told her we don’t know the sex of the baby this time so she made sure to stay clear of that area for us. We spent half an hour watching the screen as our baby,smiled, put his/her tongue out,pouted, rubbing their nose, hid their face, it was great! I enjoyed every minute of it and I was mesmerized by it all. It was definitely one of those stepping stone moments 🙂

To all of you wonderful ladies reading this I would highly recommend you having one of these done, yes some people aren’t a fan of what they look like on the pictures but that isn’t the best part, the best part is watching in real time your baby alive and moving and doing things it’s such a precious memory to have forever and you get it on a dvd so you will always be able to watch it over and over again 🙂

Here are a couple of my 200 (yes they gave me 200) pictures 🙂

I love looking at the pictures as it reminds me of that day and how amazing it was.

Stay strong baby mummy needs you here in my arms alive and pulling those cute faces again 🙂

Rachael

X.x

health visitor and a new midwife

I am now 33 weeks.

My midwife has started to check my BP at the start of every week and I have it done at the end of every week at work, it has been fluctuating but staying within the normal range which is good. After the horrendous ordeal the other week at MAU it has put me of self testing for protein so I have only done it once since, I am annoyed with myself that I have let them put me of something that is for my own good and the safety of my baby but I just can’t bring myself to do it much.  I will try and do it more often but I doubt it.

The new midwife started last week, she has never done Community midwifery before so she was learning al the paperwork side of things, there was a student midwife who was also there and she was doing everyone’s dipstick, heartbeat check BP etc, I was a bit skeptical at first as I thought she might not do a good job or forget something or get it wrong, there’s no room for practice or trial and error in my life right now!  But she seemed fine.

The health visitor, I never had any visit from a health visitor whilst I was pregnant with Lucas, but apparantly its something new that started In the last couple of years, she was lovely and I can’t wait to have her visit when the baby is here to help me be the best mum and help me to do what’s best for the baby. She talked about breastfeeding which has been a big issue between me and my other half he doesn’t want me too based on how he has seen his nephew with his sister and I want to at least try as I know the benefits the baby will get from it, I also plan to express so that I’m not constantly breastfeeding and everyone else can have that bonding time with the baby aswell.

One thing I was very proud of was that I managed to openly talk to the health visitor about lucas and what happened last time and discuss the things I missed out on with lucas which has been one of the things I have kept inside and I managed to not cry! Don’t get me wrong I was still anxious,sweaty when talking about everything and fidgeting like mad  but I felt it was another stepping stone in my grieving.

I am lucky at work as I work on the same team as a wonderful lady who lost her daughter a long time ago and she became a befriender for sands for a while so she is very supportive and we always have little chats about our angels and how we are feeling,.

I’ve started to feel more anxious as the weeks go by because I’m getting closer to when I lost lucas even though I will never reach 38 weeks in this pregnancy it still makes me nervous as I get closer, I have associated labour with the loss of lucas like my body couldn’t take much more of the labour so started to shut down and cut of lucas’s supply I know this is all in my head and can’t  be proven but that is how I feel and that can’t change either.

The health visitor suggested I speaks to pals and Put in a complaint about how i was dealt with at mau so I’ve decided to give my mother that task on my behalf so that I don’t have to deal with the added stress of it all. If it all happens after I have had the baby then I will happily go in and tell them how it is because I am sick of how they handLe their calls and mannerism, it’s disgusting. It’s suppose to be about patient care not about how many people they have already accepted and how busy they are. Yes we all have protocols and procedures we all have to follow in our line of work, but in their line of work it is judged on a case by case basis and as long as they can justify what they have done and the reasoning is due to the patients needs and health there are no problems.

I can’t wait to see my consultant next Tuesday so that I can fill him in with what has been going on and the health visitor said he may be able to bypass me calling mau on my induction date due to the problems I have had with them,  either that or I will be telling him to forget the induction all together and ill go straight for a c section instead it’s less stress completely then.

Reading back on this, all I keep thinking is we have enough stress to deal with because of our history and they have to add to it, they are there to help us and to put our needs first yet it seems a few of us have to push for the care we need and feel like we are being fobbed off. I think they all need to have a days training to refresh them on what the priorities are in midwifery!

Rachael

X.x

Another meltdown!

So i mentioned previously that my consultant has given me dipsticks to check my urine for protein, yesterday I felt unwell and had nausea so I thought I would check my urine, I did and it came up with a plus so I checked it again thinking that may have been a dudd stick and that was the same, then i realised I have no idea what I was suppose to do when that happens, I called up the midwife who is part of My consultants team and she asked him for me. She came back and asked if I’d seen my community midwife yet as I was suppose to now be having my BP checked twice a week! …This is news to me I said no, so they told me to call MAU (yes my worst nightmare) and say that Mr young wants me In to check my BP, urine and monitor me and baby for a while, I was for once fine about it as baby was moving fine still, so I called them up and told them what I was told expecting them to say okay come up and we will see you as soon as we can but instead I got an arse of a woman turn round and say the consultant should not have given you dipsticks to self test, asked me a number of questions I explained my past history once again ! She didn’t seem interested at all, then she turned round and said well I suppose if you were told to come up then you can if you want but you will be waiting hours so perhaps go have some food and that first, then when we do eventually see you we will just check your urine and BP and if it’s fine let you go.

I was so upset after that call she made me feel like a paranoid pregnant woman who is wasting there time and didn’t need to be seen 😦 in the end when I went up to the hospital I went and found the midwife who told me to call originally as I really didn’t want to to go in to MAU explained what they said and she gave them a call to explain further when she came back to me she said the midwife she spoke to was the same, in the end I went up and she said if there were any problems to ask to see my consultant,  they put me In the corridor where I waited for 3 hours before anyone came out to fetch me, in that time my feet had ballooned and I had a mild nose bleed,  no one checked up to see how i was or apologised for the long wait I was just left there as though I was forgotten about, when  they finally fetched me my BP was 141/81 which is high for me, my urine had cleared with  no protein in and they did put me on for ctg monitoring, I had something to eat there and then they checked my BP again after the monitoring and it had come down to normal range again, the midwife who saw me then was lovely thankfully.

When the doctor came round to discharge me he started going on about how he can’t write down pre eclampsia even though I have swelling on my feet and a headache he said because my BP is now fine and no protein in my urine and that is the only two things they go by to diagnose you, I felt like saying I don’t bloody want you to write down pre eclampsia! I want you to write down I am fine! But the way he was talking to me gave the impression that because I lost lucas due to pre eclampsia I am now being paranoid about having it and he can’t write that I do when I don’t it baffled me because the last thing I want is to have pre eclampsia and I am not paranoid because of last time it happened because that happened suddenly and the amount of time I waited in that corridor if it was  the same as with lucas the baby would have already died by then! AND I felt the need to point out I really don’t like going into MAU so would not go in unless it was necessary to which he replied well who does!? And the fact I was fine to not go in that it was my consultant who wanted me too should of meant something…

I had spent all of my day up there, not being monitored but sat waiting in the corridor and there wasn’t that many others in there! I got upset when I got home i started to think I’m not going to test my urine for a while as if it comes up positive again  I don’t want to go up there again and I know if I have any doubts about movements etc I will give myself enough excuses not to call them… This made me upset the most because I don’t like it that much now and how they treat me over the phone that I’m willing to jeopardise mine and the baby’s life 😦 as they try to drill into me that I’m just paranoid and wasting there time 😦 this worries me the most !

To add to my torment I realised whilst I was there that when I’m being Induced it is MAU I need to call in the morning and they will give me a time to Come in or tell me to call back later if they are busy… If this is the case I think I’m going to tell him I want a section instead as there is know way I will call them and then be told to call back in the afternoon they are busy etc. It’s just messed everything up for me Completely just when  I thought I was getting my head around things 😦

I see my midwife on Monday so I am going to express my concerns to her (not that she help’s at all) and then mention them to the consultant when I next see him!

The next few weeks need to go by fast as I can’t cope with these people never mind pregnancy itself!

Rachael

X.x

30 week scan

So i am now on countdown! Im in the last stretch to my rainbow

I felt like the last 4 weeks were the longest 4 weeks so far until I saw my consultant again. I need his calming fix! It’s like a drug addiction!

My other half came with me to this appointment as I planned on asking in advance the plan for the induction.

The scan was a bit of a flop this time as he was learning how to use the new machines they have so looking at the baby wasn’t as clear as it normally has been and this baby is stubborn born when it comes to scans and likes to hide most of the time. Well this time the baby Decided not only to snuggle up to the placenta but also Decided to drink and breathe In any fluid that was in between them! Naughty baby, he said because their isn’t any fluid between them they wouldn’t be able to get a good picture of the baby 😦 but I was laughing because every time the consultant tried to measure the abdomen the baby would decide that was the best time to start practising the breathing technique meaning the stomach kept going up and down 🙂 he eventually managed to get the measurements and most are above the 95th centile for 30 weeks. This baby was also measured at 4lb 1oz!  Getting big now, I’m not bothered about the baby measuring bigger and neither was the consultant because that tells me when I’m induced at 37 weeks the baby will be measuring 38 weeks so it’s a win win situation really.

As you can see very close to the placenta, it’s a good job they don’t have teeth in there!

I asked what will happen at the induction as I am petrified of labour after what happened with Lucas last time during labour and with the counselling waiting list never moving I haven’t had any help to prepare myself mentally so I decided the best thing I can do is find out exactly what happens now and I have 7 weeks to prepare myself for it. He said he will probably book me in at 37 weeks at the start of the week, they will check my cervix if it is soft and ready they will break my waters put me on a drip to kick start my contractions and I should have about 200 contractions and the baby will be hear! So in other words if it’s this way it will be a fast labour and delivery. If my cervix isn’t ready they Will give me a pessary to soften the cervix which could take upto 24 hours to work and then they will break my waters and put me on a drip to start Contractions.

I’m hoping I can do things the quick way the quicker the better for my sanity and to get this baby out safely as quick as possible so that it’s less time for something to go wrong in. That’s my logic  anyway,  I’ve tasked the other half to put together some nice relaxing and calm music  that we can listen to and try and keep me relaxed throughout.

He has also done another blood test for my liver and wants to test it every appointment now which is only two more anyway! He has also given me dipsticks to test my urine for protein  everyday and wants my BP checking once a week.

It’s getting close now and needs to keep going quick! I feel I am slowly sliding down into panic mode and hanging on the edge!

Next is my 4D scan that my auntie had bought for me! I am really looking forward to it but hoping that this baby behaves for this time!

Rachael

X.x