I have said already how hard I am finding it to figure out the regular pattern of movement, this baby moves often enough that ive never worried to much about it, until yesterday..
It was my first night shift so I was in bed for most of the day, usually the baby moves and kicks when I turn on to my other side but I had nothing when I woke up I had some cold milk to try and get baby moving and some sugary sweets and I had two very faint movements non of the usual strong kicks just some flutter in my pelvis. I tried not to worry to much and told myself that I would see what the movements are like in the next hour before I start to panic.
I arrived at work and straight away people new something was wrong and I had a little cry, I was so worried and anxious, I said I can’t really say if it’s reduced because I’ve been asleep for most of the day so I gave it an hour and I had nothing, that was it they took me straight up to the MAU department. This is where my anxiety worsened, my partner was meeting me there with my folder and I arrived first, they sent me into the ‘scan room’ which is a small dark room they put me in when I found out lucas had passed away! I’ve never been in that room since that day and now I was in it on my own in the dark, waiting for the midwife to come! I just sat there and broke down fearing the worst and thinking it’s great that I’m kept waiting AND on my own!
The midwife came and she got the dreaded doppler out! Which you all know by now that I hate with a passion! It took a while to find the heartbeat and then she found it shortly with difficulty then she took me back into the room where everyone else is to strap me on the ctg monitor (which is exactly what they did with Lucas and that’s where his heart started to drop and they couldn’t find it so they took me back into the dark room again to confirm he had passed away) so she tried to find the baby’s heartbeat and took a good 5 minutes she found it and strapped me up then the baby moved and she lost it again! She then went to fetch another midwife to try instead! Eventually they found the heartbeat with me lying on my side and holding the monitor on my stomach, so after prodding and feeling the babies position and putting the monitor on, the baby decided to start moving around and that was the most it had moved all day which is typical!
I was so exhausted and drained by the end of it that when I went back to work afterwards they sent me straight home to go to bed and I’m glad they did as I slept for hours!
I am now feeling fed up, I can’t keep going through this I’m starting to struggle to cope 😦 and after every trip up to mau it makes me more reluctant to go again I hate it up there I feel the place makes me worse. So i can’t win really sit at Home and worry myself silly or go up to mau and worry more and my anxiety goes through the roof?
This scare also made me think back to worst case scenario and I just can’t cope with the thought that I may end up with two angels and empty arms again .
Why do we put ourselves through all of this stress and anxiety we take this risk into the unknown and that’s the worst part not knowing if that chance we took would turn out to be worth it in the end 😦
Sorry for the depressing post this time.
P.s baby has just given me a good kick maybe it’s the baby telling me to stay strong ..