I have waited 6 long weeks for this day!
I thought it would be easier as I had an appointment with my community midwife in between but that didn’t help me at all. In fact I don’t like my midwife, when booking in i had to go through every detail from last time with her because she can’t be bothered to read through my last history and if that wasn’t enough she caused my anxiety to go through the roof! I have now decided that I hate the doppler where they listen into the heartbeat. It took her forever to find the heartbeat and I thought this is it the baby has died. Then all of a sudden she realised she hadn’t even turned the sound on!! Cheers for that! That was the icing on the cake really I wanted to avoid seeing her as much as possible, she was not supportive, she had no reassurance for me due to what happened, she didn’t even bother asking if I had an anxiety issues regarding the pregnancy instead she just ticked her way through the maternity folder without a care in the world.
The next time I saw her she told me she was retiring over Christmas and I would be getting a new midwife, usually this would panic me as I don’t like seeing different people throughout the pregnancy as I don’t feel it is safe but I was so relieved she was going. I haven’t met the new midwife yet but I am praying she will be better than the last one!
If I’m completely honest I was really hoping it was the same midwife I had for lucas because she went through what happened to lucas with me and even cried! So I felt that she would be able to give me the support I needed and I felt comfortable with her, you can’t imagine how gutted I was when I turned up to that other midwife! It has been 2 years since so I don’t know why I would think my old midwife would still be there.
The day of my next scan came, once again its now beginning to feel like dejavu my mind is on overdrive with all the same thoughts, no heartbeat, the baby has passed away In those 6 weeks of waiting. To add to the list I now started to think that they were going to tell me I needed to terminate the pregnancy as some organs are missing or not working or that something was going to be wrong. I was more nervous this time than last time and I’m starting to now think that it’s only going to get worse rather than better.
Throughout this scan I didn’t have the same relaxed feeling, I was completely engrossed in everything he was doing, I couldn’t take me eyes of the screen whilst he checked every organ but throughout the scan I never felt at ease like last time. To make matters worse this baby is stubborn just like it’s brother lucas was and he didn’t want to move from his comfy position which meant the consultant was trying his best to get a good look at the brain whilst scanning me in the back! To the point where my kidney got in the way. He said he was happy with what he has seen and everything is fine but for some reason I just didn’t feel reassured this time.