I was sooooo nervous ! I did not know what to expect.
I had to buzz to be let into the building and it took forever for someone to let me in. A nurse came walking round the corner with a little baby girl in her arms… safe to say those nerves went through the roof I thought this was some form of test! She Introduced herself and the baby and showed me around, I headed straight for the kitchen and made a brew! Just so I could sit and take everything in and try to prepare myself, because it was a Saturday there were only to people in one doing the assessment and the other in the nursery.
I had to sit and wait in the nursery until she had Finished the assessment with the mother of the baby girl, I was half an hour early and she was running late …great… The nurse was playing with the baby but asking me questions, just to keep the conversation flowing.. she asked me if I had any children I automatically just said no and Immediately felt guilty afterwards, I just couldn’t Cope with going through what happened with her and feeling the anxiety creep up to then have to go through everything once again with the other woman. Plus I was trying to stay as strong as I could already!
There was another young girl in there who seemed to be waiting for her 3 month old son to arrive. I didn’t ask questions but I assumed the place was also used as a visiting centre or an access point for parents that had split up sharing custody. I was hoping I’d have gone before that! Then another lady and her newborn came in aswell who is having extra support looking after her baby and I felt overwhelmed. Luckily the other nurse was ready for me and I couldn’t get out the door quick enough.
So I don’t think she had any details for me at all other than I’ve been experiencing nightmares. So I had to go through the general info first how many children you have etc so I basically had to go through what happened just for the first section! Then she moved on to the reason I’m there and asked how often I have nightmares etc, I don’t have them that often and the worst ones normally happen out of the blue when I wasn’t particularly anxious that day or thinking negative. So she then starts to ask question about my life in general to see if I’m depressed etc, asking about hobbies, interests etc which I Don’t really have many off at the moment. Once that section was over she started a questionnaire about random things and I would have to rate them as, not at all, sometimes, often or all the time. And she would ask things like feeling faint, sweating, shaking, pins and needles, red flushes, etc the list went on. She also asked about suicide and self harm, now I may have my low points and what not but I have never felt self harming or suicide would be the answer. She even seemed to press on the domestic violence subject!no clearly didn’t seem like a sufficient answer to her.
In the end I said to her I may have this anxiety and these nightmares but in my eyes it is a natural/normal response to what I have been through, I have no other experiences during pregnancy other than a tragic loss after what was classed as a ‘textbook’ pregnancy, no warning signs, no problems then all of a sudden it all happened and it happened that fast nothing could have been done to change it, so I am going to be anxious and I am going to be scared whether or not there is nothing wrong or complicated throughout this pregnancy because that is all I know.
The nurse was nice don’t get me wrong but sometimes you just feel like you need to keep that guard up and defend yourself. She advised that she now has to write up a report and take it to a meeting they have on Wednesday where they will discuss and decide what support I need and where I can get it from. She also mentioned that everything we went through suggests there is also a possibility that once I have given birth there may be a different type of anxiety etc e.g. Postnatal depression so they will also discuss and consider that possibility. I felt so drained after that I went home and scrubbed the house from top to bottom to keep me busy! Had a cuddle with rob to comfort me, (he is to much of a chicken to go aswell ) but I think he has found his coping mechanism and so there is no changing that.
On a lighter note, baby is moving around more and more and I find that Comforting, whenever I have my anxiety moments all it takes is for the baby to move or quick and it helps to ease those thoughts. I’m just dreading those moments where baby is tired and sleeping!
I should be getting a call on Wednesday with an update on the meeting and what happens next so I will keep you all up to date.