1 week to go!

The closer it gets the worse I become!

I now have in my mind that if anything is going to go wrong there’s only a week left for it to happen so I make myself panic more!

Today whilst having a shower my mind went into overdrive thinking how much pressure I have on me, my partner said last night that he is excited now as it’s only a week away which has added to the pressure that I need to get this right.. even though it could be out of my hands.

The end is so close but what kind of end I will have is unknown!? Every single person now is excited and counting down the days and have now completely forgotten that things could still go wrong so now I feel like all the worrying and realisation of things is all down to me to think about as nobody else seems to anymore, that makes me worry even more! As everyone has the mentality like this is it now all is well, how wrong can they be! I feel like screaming at them saying things can still go wrong or are they forgetting that my son lucas died during labour!? It may be different this time as I’m  monitored from the start but that does not mean that everything will be fine!

What makes it hard is that I can’t picture the happy ending, I do have thoughts about having the baby here at what we would do but those thoughts I had with lucas and that’s all they ended up being .. thoughts… so trying to imagine anything different is hard as I only know loss from birth, I’ve never experienced that cry, that congratulations it’s a boy or girl, that happy cry and first cuddle, those eyes opening and that skin to skin bond. All that was robbed from me with lucas.

I know no different so how can I imagine a different outcome.

I do hope and prey for that happy ending with a healthy living child that can stay with us on earth, otherwise why did I put myself and all my family through this again? It’s just hard to get your mind to think and expect different from what you remember.

I can honestly say I feel a meltdown coming on, I feel like my bucket is overfilled and bursting at the sides ready to explode any day now. I’m fighting back the tears when really I feel I need to cry and grieve for what is potentially coming which I didn’t get to experience with lucas, that happiness and excitement that I crave, having my baby alive in my arms. I want that so much. I wanted that so much with lucas.

Rachael

X.x

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