Once I hit the 12 week marker I was praying that the sickness would now stop! I had been off sick from work for 5 weeks now bed bound by the sickness and feeling sorry for myself. I must admit though I was so relieved that the doctor gave me so long off work but the downside to that was that I found it so hard to go back to work having been off for so long 😦 and I had the dilemma of having to tell people at work.
I had started a new job after losing lucas as I couldn’t stand seeing people’s sad faces when they look at me I felt like I was now known as that girl who sadly lost her child and it made it harder for me to try and get back to normality. I had decided that I was not going to tell anyone about lucas in my new job as I didn’t need those sad faces haunting me again! But now I needed to start telling people and I knew that when I went back to work I would have to tell my supervisor.
The day before I was due back I thought of nothing else, constantly going through in my head what I was going to say and how I was going to say it. I suppose I was hoping the more I went through it in my head the less nervous and upset I would be when I actually said it right? wrong! I started to stutter my words, mix them up, go bright red and sweat! I got there in the end and let me tell you the build up to it is a lot worse than the outcome! She was lovely and very supportive and to my luck she gave no sad faces or sympathy ! She just focused on what they could do to help me.
Still to this day there are only a limited few who know about lucas at work and I prefer it that way for now at least, the ones that do know are enough support that I need at work. Obviously there is a downside to people not knowing, 1. They think this is my first pregnancy 2. They keep going on about how excited am I? Have a bought anything yet ?
Then there is the nosey questions like why are you having extra scans, when are you going on maternity leave, etc etc don’t get me wrong it is hard to reply to these questions but I chose to not tell them about my past so I have to face the consequences. I try and avoid as best I can so you won’t catch me talking openly about the pregnancy and when people ask how I’m doing I just reply with I’m doing fine… just getting fat! And then it gets left at that.
My next appointment was my 12 weeks scan and it was with the consultant who I was eager to see. My partner rob came with me to this scan, before we went I tried not to think about the scan as I’ve begun to realise that I will always be negative leading up to it. Sitting in the waiting room I kept turning to rob and saying what if there is no heartbeat? What if the baby had already died and I have had a missed miscarriage? I was driving him crazy I don’t know how he does it but for some reason he doesn’t have these worries leading up to scans like I do either that or he has a good coping mechanism that he isn’t sharing!
My consultant saw me very quickly so I’m thinking maybe he realises just how anxious we get waiting for the scans, again I was lying there looking at the ceiling waiting for the dreaded news that something bad has happened when all of a sudden straight away a loud heartbeat filled the room. The consultant likes to turn the sound on straight away and find the heartbeat to reassure us before he starts the scan properly, I couldn’t thank him enough for that and straight away I started to enjoy the scan process. I have a screen at the end of the bed by my feet so I can see every single thing he is doing rather than them turning the screen to give us a quick look and it was great!
Our 12 week scan picture
The one thing that helps me is knowing I have such a great consultant looking after me, I say he is like a magician because whenever I see him it’s like he waves a magic wand and completely relaxes me and any negative thoughts I have temporarily vanish. I treasure those moments because it is those few rare moments where I actually enjoy the pregnancy and I can not thank him enough for it. He is so good at his job not only is he professional but he also puts himself in our shoes and understands how we will be feeling.
Throughout the scan he showed us every single part of the baby in detail and took his time so we could cherish the moment, at the end of it he asked when I would like to be seen again, this surprised me as I thought it would be a case of them telling me when they will next see me not me telling them. In the end we agreed to have the next scan at 18 weeks so that he can do the 20 weeks detailed scan at that visit. I didn’t feel I needed to be seen any time before that because there is nothing more that can be done on a scan before then and if anything was to go wrong it’s to early to do anything about it.
That was the first day I walked away from the hospital since losing lucas with a smile on my face and feeling happy.