After losing Lucas I joined the site sands where I could speak to other women who are going through what I am. Joining the TTC (trying to Conceive) board I spoke to a number of wonderful ladies who all shared the same concerns. For some reason after experiencing losing a child we have all lost any hope of a happy ending, we can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel and every hurdle we come to we struggle to get over.
So it seems never ending before its even begun, the first fear- what if I can’t have another baby? What if I can’t conceive. It suddenly takes over our lives and our thoughts. This fear haunted me for 2 years. I tried ovulation sticks to see when I’m ovulating I would get a positive and 2 weeks later my period didn’t arrive, I was nervous, scared, excited all at once whilst waiting for the results on the pregnancy test. The result a big fat negative and my period still didn’t arrive. As other ladies went through their monthly cycles hoping for a positive result and no period I on the other hand was hoping for my period to arrive every month with a no show every time. I eventually gave up the TTC board as how can you conceive when you don’t even have a cycle?
I turned my focus on to other things as I decided it was not healthy to become obsessed with my non existent cycle and decided to leave fate in the hands of mother nature. 1 year later and my periods finally showed their ugly face ! I kept telling myself it is my bodies way of telling me I wasn’t ready for another baby. At this point I had other things planned, a nice relaxing holiday, new job and moving house so I decided I was going to give my body a break and my mind a rest from the stress and anxiety. Then in a year’s time I will be ready physically and mentally to tackle nine months of pregnancy. I knew I needed to put myself first and to find a way of being happy in my life again before I could cope with having another baby.
I constantly thought about the moment I would get that positive test, how I would feel, how my partner would react and that we will have our happily ever after. If only it was that easy…….
The day that positive test came I cried, I cried tears of joy mixed with tears of fear that it’s finally here its real and not a dream any more, I think it’s safe to say my partner felt the same.