My first meltdown

I was 19 weeks pregnant it was exactly a week after I had my last scan.

I started having nightmares a few weeks prior to this but had thought nothing of it as they are just that. Nightmares, not real. So whenever I had them I would mention it to rob he would tell me I was silly and that would be the end of it and I wouldn’t think about it again.

This time round I had a nightmare that I was having a scan done and I was happily enjoying watching the sonographer telling me there is my little bundle of joy bouncing around in my tummy then all of a sudden  within a second she had said the baby has died, the heart has just stopped beating and there is nothing we can do sorry. All of a sudden i jolted up right in bed had pins and needles throughout my body and it felt so real. Not the scan part obviously but I felt like that was my warning that the baby had literally just died! I lay back down and tried to calm myself and wait for the baby to move at some point. I knew I was still early on and having slight movements that weren’t regular so I carried on with my morning but always focusing on any movements, I had told myself that if I don’t feel anything by mid day which I normally have by then I will call the consultant as I couldn’t carry on like that much longer.

Midday came and still no movement I called the consultant and the midwife questioned how often I was getting these nightmares, I explained I have them a lot but nothing has affected me like this one has and I did genuinely feel stupid that it’s all due to a nightmare. They told me to go in and the consultant would scan me, I sat there waiting forcing the tears back thinking that this was actually the end of this journey, when he called my name and I walked up to him I just burst in to tears straight away. They were so caring and considerate, the consultant started to rush and tried to get the machine to turn on as quickly as he could, whilst he was doing that the midwife was holding my hand and giving me tissues trying to keep me calm. The room filled with the thud of the babies heartbeat and I just cried even more, I was so relieved and so drained that I just let it all out and cried the whole way through, he tried to show a 3D version of the babies face but as always the baby was stubborn, he did however hold the scanner onto the head and we sat and watched as the baby started swallowing and drinking 🙂 .I told him I felt really silly as it was all over a nightmare and he told me that it isn’t silly and that they are there always to reassure me when I need it. Then he said something that made me feel better. He said people who do not worry about these things shouldn’t be having kids and that if I’m ever worried about anything even if I think it is silly he said he would much prefer me to come and see him and have a scan to put my mind at ease than for me to sit at home worrying about it. I think I thanked him and apologised a million times that day, he really is my lifesaver and I am so glad he is my consultant.

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Afterwards the midwife started to talk to me more about these nightmares, she said they were concerned and that I may have PTSD from what happened with Lucas.  I was shocked by their suggestion as I Didn’t think having nightmares could be so bad. It did open my eyes that’s for sure and now I have been referred for some counselling, I am open to trying anything if it helps as I want to make this journey the smoothest and as stress free as possible.

I will keep you up to date with my progress but if you have any suggestions on coping techniques please let me know.

Rachael

X.x

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2 thoughts on “My first meltdown

  1. Nope I think we just have to wake up and convince ourselves it was just a nightmare, it gets easier, as I wake up the baby tends to kick shortly afterwards so it’s the reassurance I needed to get rid of the nightmare. X

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