health visitor and a new midwife

I am now 33 weeks.

My midwife has started to check my BP at the start of every week and I have it done at the end of every week at work, it has been fluctuating but staying within the normal range which is good. After the horrendous ordeal the other week at MAU it has put me of self testing for protein so I have only done it once since, I am annoyed with myself that I have let them put me of something that is for my own good and the safety of my baby but I just can’t bring myself to do it much.  I will try and do it more often but I doubt it.

The new midwife started last week, she has never done Community midwifery before so she was learning al the paperwork side of things, there was a student midwife who was also there and she was doing everyone’s dipstick, heartbeat check BP etc, I was a bit skeptical at first as I thought she might not do a good job or forget something or get it wrong, there’s no room for practice or trial and error in my life right now!  But she seemed fine.

The health visitor, I never had any visit from a health visitor whilst I was pregnant with Lucas, but apparantly its something new that started In the last couple of years, she was lovely and I can’t wait to have her visit when the baby is here to help me be the best mum and help me to do what’s best for the baby. She talked about breastfeeding which has been a big issue between me and my other half he doesn’t want me too based on how he has seen his nephew with his sister and I want to at least try as I know the benefits the baby will get from it, I also plan to express so that I’m not constantly breastfeeding and everyone else can have that bonding time with the baby aswell.

One thing I was very proud of was that I managed to openly talk to the health visitor about lucas and what happened last time and discuss the things I missed out on with lucas which has been one of the things I have kept inside and I managed to not cry! Don’t get me wrong I was still anxious,sweaty when talking about everything and fidgeting like mad  but I felt it was another stepping stone in my grieving.

I am lucky at work as I work on the same team as a wonderful lady who lost her daughter a long time ago and she became a befriender for sands for a while so she is very supportive and we always have little chats about our angels and how we are feeling,.

I’ve started to feel more anxious as the weeks go by because I’m getting closer to when I lost lucas even though I will never reach 38 weeks in this pregnancy it still makes me nervous as I get closer, I have associated labour with the loss of lucas like my body couldn’t take much more of the labour so started to shut down and cut of lucas’s supply I know this is all in my head and can’t  be proven but that is how I feel and that can’t change either.

The health visitor suggested I speaks to pals and Put in a complaint about how i was dealt with at mau so I’ve decided to give my mother that task on my behalf so that I don’t have to deal with the added stress of it all. If it all happens after I have had the baby then I will happily go in and tell them how it is because I am sick of how they handLe their calls and mannerism, it’s disgusting. It’s suppose to be about patient care not about how many people they have already accepted and how busy they are. Yes we all have protocols and procedures we all have to follow in our line of work, but in their line of work it is judged on a case by case basis and as long as they can justify what they have done and the reasoning is due to the patients needs and health there are no problems.

I can’t wait to see my consultant next Tuesday so that I can fill him in with what has been going on and the health visitor said he may be able to bypass me calling mau on my induction date due to the problems I have had with them,  either that or I will be telling him to forget the induction all together and ill go straight for a c section instead it’s less stress completely then.

Reading back on this, all I keep thinking is we have enough stress to deal with because of our history and they have to add to it, they are there to help us and to put our needs first yet it seems a few of us have to push for the care we need and feel like we are being fobbed off. I think they all need to have a days training to refresh them on what the priorities are in midwifery!




Another meltdown!

So i mentioned previously that my consultant has given me dipsticks to check my urine for protein, yesterday I felt unwell and had nausea so I thought I would check my urine, I did and it came up with a plus so I checked it again thinking that may have been a dudd stick and that was the same, then i realised I have no idea what I was suppose to do when that happens, I called up the midwife who is part of My consultants team and she asked him for me. She came back and asked if I’d seen my community midwife yet as I was suppose to now be having my BP checked twice a week! …This is news to me I said no, so they told me to call MAU (yes my worst nightmare) and say that Mr young wants me In to check my BP, urine and monitor me and baby for a while, I was for once fine about it as baby was moving fine still, so I called them up and told them what I was told expecting them to say okay come up and we will see you as soon as we can but instead I got an arse of a woman turn round and say the consultant should not have given you dipsticks to self test, asked me a number of questions I explained my past history once again ! She didn’t seem interested at all, then she turned round and said well I suppose if you were told to come up then you can if you want but you will be waiting hours so perhaps go have some food and that first, then when we do eventually see you we will just check your urine and BP and if it’s fine let you go.

I was so upset after that call she made me feel like a paranoid pregnant woman who is wasting there time and didn’t need to be seen 😦 in the end when I went up to the hospital I went and found the midwife who told me to call originally as I really didn’t want to to go in to MAU explained what they said and she gave them a call to explain further when she came back to me she said the midwife she spoke to was the same, in the end I went up and she said if there were any problems to ask to see my consultant,  they put me In the corridor where I waited for 3 hours before anyone came out to fetch me, in that time my feet had ballooned and I had a mild nose bleed,  no one checked up to see how i was or apologised for the long wait I was just left there as though I was forgotten about, when  they finally fetched me my BP was 141/81 which is high for me, my urine had cleared with  no protein in and they did put me on for ctg monitoring, I had something to eat there and then they checked my BP again after the monitoring and it had come down to normal range again, the midwife who saw me then was lovely thankfully.

When the doctor came round to discharge me he started going on about how he can’t write down pre eclampsia even though I have swelling on my feet and a headache he said because my BP is now fine and no protein in my urine and that is the only two things they go by to diagnose you, I felt like saying I don’t bloody want you to write down pre eclampsia! I want you to write down I am fine! But the way he was talking to me gave the impression that because I lost lucas due to pre eclampsia I am now being paranoid about having it and he can’t write that I do when I don’t :-/ it baffled me because the last thing I want is to have pre eclampsia and I am not paranoid because of last time it happened because that happened suddenly and the amount of time I waited in that corridor if it was  the same as with lucas the baby would have already died by then! AND I felt the need to point out I really don’t like going into MAU so would not go in unless it was necessary to which he replied well who does!? And the fact I was fine to not go in that it was my consultant who wanted me too should of meant something…

I had spent all of my day up there, not being monitored but sat waiting in the corridor and there wasn’t that many others in there! I got upset when I got home i started to think I’m not going to test my urine for a while as if it comes up positive again  I don’t want to go up there again and I know if I have any doubts about movements etc I will give myself enough excuses not to call them… This made me upset the most because I don’t like it that much now and how they treat me over the phone that I’m willing to jeopardise mine and the baby’s life 😦 as they try to drill into me that I’m just paranoid and wasting there time 😦 this worries me the most !

To add to my torment I realised whilst I was there that when I’m being Induced it is MAU I need to call in the morning and they will give me a time to Come in or tell me to call back later if they are busy… If this is the case I think I’m going to tell him I want a section instead as there is know way I will call them and then be told to call back in the afternoon they are busy etc. It’s just messed everything up for me Completely just when  I thought I was getting my head around things 😦

I see my midwife on Monday so I am going to express my concerns to her (not that she help’s at all) and then mention them to the consultant when I next see him!

The next few weeks need to go by fast as I can’t cope with these people never mind pregnancy itself!



30 week scan

So i am now on countdown! Im in the last stretch to my rainbow

I felt like the last 4 weeks were the longest 4 weeks so far until I saw my consultant again. I need his calming fix! It’s like a drug addiction!

My other half came with me to this appointment as I planned on asking in advance the plan for the induction.

The scan was a bit of a flop this time as he was learning how to use the new machines they have so looking at the baby wasn’t as clear as it normally has been and this baby is stubborn born when it comes to scans and likes to hide most of the time. Well this time the baby Decided not only to snuggle up to the placenta but also Decided to drink and breathe In any fluid that was in between them! Naughty baby, he said because their isn’t any fluid between them they wouldn’t be able to get a good picture of the baby 😦 but I was laughing because every time the consultant tried to measure the abdomen the baby would decide that was the best time to start practising the breathing technique meaning the stomach kept going up and down 🙂 he eventually managed to get the measurements and most are above the 95th centile for 30 weeks. This baby was also measured at 4lb 1oz!  Getting big now, I’m not bothered about the baby measuring bigger and neither was the consultant because that tells me when I’m induced at 37 weeks the baby will be measuring 38 weeks so it’s a win win situation really.

As you can see very close to the placenta, it's a good job they don't have teeth in there!
As you can see very close to the placenta, it’s a good job they don’t have teeth in there!

I asked what will happen at the induction as I am petrified of labour after what happened with Lucas last time during labour and with the counselling waiting list never moving I haven’t had any help to prepare myself mentally so I decided the best thing I can do is find out exactly what happens now and I have 7 weeks to prepare myself for it. He said he will probably book me in at 37 weeks at the start of the week, they will check my cervix if it is soft and ready they will break my waters put me on a drip to kick start my contractions and I should have about 200 contractions and the baby will be hear! So in other words if it’s this way it will be a fast labour and delivery. If my cervix isn’t ready they Will give me a pessary to soften the cervix which could take upto 24 hours to work and then they will break my waters and put me on a drip to start Contractions.

I’m hoping I can do things the quick way the quicker the better for my sanity and to get this baby out safely as quick as possible so that it’s less time for something to go wrong in. That’s my logic  anyway,  I’ve tasked the other half to put together some nice relaxing and calm music  that we can listen to and try and keep me relaxed throughout.

He has also done another blood test for my liver and wants to test it every appointment now which is only two more anyway! He has also given me dipsticks to test my urine for protein  everyday and wants my BP checking once a week.

It’s getting close now and needs to keep going quick! I feel I am slowly sliding down into panic mode and hanging on the edge!

Next is my 4D scan that my auntie had bought for me! I am really looking forward to it but hoping that this baby behaves for this time!



29 weeks taking more baby steps

So i don’t know if you have all noticed but they have been having a massive baby sale EVERYWHERE and I felt a pressure that I needed to buy anything  I needed now whilst it’s all reduced. So i focused myself for a week on finding our nursery furniture, the first one I spotted was out of stock in every colour, then I found another one which was two tone and beautiful but the wardrobe would have been to big for the room, so in the end I decided to go for a set from kiddicare which has a one door wardrobe which means more space in a small room it should be perfect. When it has been delivered we won’t be getting it out of the boxes though not until the beginning of April earliest is the plan.

Over the past couple weeks I’ve been waking up In the middle of the night to horrible cramps in my legs! I’ve never had cramp before so you can imagine how traumatised I was the first time it happened! I couldn’t walk for days afterwards because it left a pain in the back of my leg, then to top that of they gave me the whooping cough Injection which resulted in a dead arm for days aswell! So I felt like a cripple for a while. Luckily I didn’t experience any of the other side effects from the injection I think I’ve already had my fair share of sickness the first four months of this pregnancy!

I am 30 weeks tomorrow and I am on countdown now…. only 7 weeks to go until I’m induced! I’ve started to get a pain in the left side of my left breast and Nipple it’s not just tenderness either, I haven’t started to milk yet so I am wondering if it could be that causing the pain!

I saw the midwife at 28 weeks, she did the usual checks and got that dreaded doppler out! To my surprise though she found the heartbeat straight away! Which helped a lot with the stress of having it done. What I was surprised about was the measurement of my bump on the chart it plotted just on the middle line which I know is normal but with the consultant saying all the baby’s measurements are a week ahead and weighing 2 lb 6oz at 26 weeks I was expecting it to be a little above the average.

The dove centre have finally called after having the nightmares they put me on an 8 week waiting list to be seen for counselling which is ridiculous in my eyes! From what they have said on the phone it looks like they are trying to get people of the list by creating a group counselling session Instead. At first it sounded okay but then I though, its like some form of aa meeting where you sit in a circle and one by one talk about your problems etc and everybody in the group supports you, I am not saying I don’t want to help others but I think sitting in a room of women who have experienced a recent loss in probably different ways than I have won’t help me one bit right now whilst I’m pregnant it will just add to my stress and anxieties, listening about all the different ways you can actually lose your baby, I use sands to speak to people who are currently pregnant and going through what I am but I haven’t looked at the main forum since being pregnant because it will just cause a breakdown and I will feel like I have every single persons loss on my shoulders to worry about. So how they could suggest the would be helpful I do not know! It was just there way of shortening the waiting list.

Back to more positive things,  I have my next consultant appointment on Tuesday I am starting to get nervous about it but baby has been moving more regular now so hopefully will give me a good kick before we go in for reassurance. I will be given dipstick at this appointment to check my urine everyday which will give me something to do so I feel like I am being proactive and not a sitting duck, I am also going to ask about the induction I want to know what the process will be, after losing lucas during labour I have developed a fear of labour but I am hoping knowing what to expect this time will help reduce that fear just as long as the labour isn’t prolonged for days! I don’t think I could be strong for that long.

I will keep you updated with what the consultant says



reduced movements

I have said already how hard I am finding it to figure out the regular pattern of movement, this baby moves often enough that ive never worried to much about it, until yesterday..

It was my first night shift so I was in bed for most of the day, usually the baby moves and kicks when I turn on to my other side  but I had nothing when I woke up I had some cold milk to try and get baby moving and some sugary sweets and I had two very faint movements non of the usual strong kicks just some flutter in my pelvis. I tried not to worry to much and told myself that I would see what the movements are like in the next hour before I start to panic.

I arrived at work and straight away people new something was wrong and I had a little cry, I was so worried and anxious, I said I can’t really say if it’s reduced because I’ve been asleep for most of the day so I gave it an hour and I had nothing, that was it they took me straight up to the MAU department. This is where my anxiety worsened,  my partner was meeting me there with my folder and I arrived first, they sent me into the ‘scan room’ which is a small dark room they put me in when I found out lucas had passed away! I’ve never been in that room since that day and now I was in it on my own in the dark, waiting for the midwife to come! I just sat there and broke down fearing the worst and thinking it’s great that I’m kept waiting AND on my own!

The midwife came and she got the dreaded doppler out! Which you all know by now that I hate with a passion! It took a while to find the heartbeat and then she found it shortly with difficulty then she took me back into the room where everyone else is to strap me on the ctg monitor (which is exactly what they did with Lucas and that’s where  his heart started to drop and they couldn’t find it so they took me back into the dark room again to confirm  he had passed away) so she tried to find the baby’s heartbeat and took a good 5 minutes she found it and strapped me up then the baby moved and she lost it again! She then went to fetch another midwife to try instead! Eventually they found the heartbeat with me lying on my side and holding the monitor on my stomach, so after prodding and feeling the babies position and putting the monitor on, the baby decided to start moving around and that was the most it had moved all day which is typical!

I was so exhausted and drained by the end of it that when I went back to work afterwards they sent me straight home to go to bed and I’m glad they did as I slept for hours!

I am now feeling fed up, I can’t keep going through this I’m starting to struggle to cope 😦  and after every trip up to mau it makes me more reluctant to go again I hate it up there I feel the place makes me worse. So i can’t win really sit at Home and worry myself silly or go up to mau and worry more and my anxiety goes through the roof?

This scare also made me think back to worst case scenario and I just can’t cope with the thought that I may end up with two angels and empty arms again .

Why do we put ourselves through all of this stress and anxiety we take this risk into the unknown and that’s the worst part not knowing if that chance we took would turn out to be worth it in the end 😦

Sorry for the depressing post this time.



P.s baby has just given me a good kick maybe it’s the baby telling me to stay strong ..

driving myself insane! ge

I’ve been trying to figure out some kind of regular movement pattern for this baby and it’s just not happening and that’s driving me insane!

I know it’s because I work shifts so regular anything isn’t in my life!  The reason it’s driving me insane is because one day when  I’m off work baby will be quiet then  yesterday this baby was over active and each time it makes me panic!  they say to mention if the baby is over active and also quiet so I can’t win! 😦

I really can’t get me head around it, I’ve mentioned it to the midwife and she said just try and do things to make baby move like  cold drinks, sugary things, warm bath all of which I do anyway and have so far had no affect on baby movements.

I’ve been able to stay sane so far but I just know it’s going to drive me mad as the weeks pass. On the plus side to working shifts is that you do still get lie ins and also the weeks pass a lot quicker since I work 12 hour shifts!

My next scan is the 10th March so it seems miles away but I know it will soon be here, plus I have a midwife appointment in between that aswell. 🙂

Trying to stay sane!



week 26

I am currently 26+5 weeks pregnant. It seems to be going fast and I’m so glad! It is a struggle and one hell of a rollercoaster ride! With its ups and downs. I have survived so far….and so has my baby

I saw my consultant this week for my usual appointment and scan and I was really looking forward to this one as he tried to show us the baby in 3D last time so I was hoping I would see the baby’s face this time 🙂 now that movements are frequently and very strong the anxiety and fear that I use to have before a scan has faded. It’s not completely gone as there will always be doubts and fears there but baby moving helps to keep my mind at bay..slightly.

The scan was amazing!  The 3D still picture may look slightly strange but watching your baby In full form moving around and seeing their facial expression etc is surreal, I never got to see lucas alive so I never saw any facial expressions or movements so if there is anything I regret It’s not getting a 3D scan. I will treasure these memories and it has helped me to connect with this baby even more, before I kept my guard up just in case and now I have seen the baby in 3D I want this baby home and I have some hope again.

It has helped me to start talking about this pregnancy and enjoying the pregnancy more, I even browse the Web for baby things (haven’t bought anything but it’s another baby step!)

They took some bloods to test my liver functions to see if there are any changes, I haven’t heard anything yet so I am hoping that’s a good sign. My consultant has told me when  he next sees me at 30 weeks he will be giving me dipsticks to test my urine and I’m going to buy a BP monitor to test that too. He has also said that he wants to carry on seeing me 4 weeks and the midwife to see me 2 weeks in between so that they have my BP every 2 weeks and of course he has told me to call him if I’m struggling and need a scan earlier.

We also discussed briefly induction I think I’ve finally made my mind up that I’m going to try labour before a section as long as everything is okay prior to the induction and as long as I have full support around me at all times to get me through it. I didn’t feel comfortable discussing it to much yet so we will talk more probably at the 34 week scan where no doubt I will get my date.

 To help stay positive I have decided to put myself to the test and bought some super soft material to make car seat covers and car seat swaddle blankets not only will it keep me busy but it’s something for the baby and I may even make others some too. But let’s not get ahead of myself and see how they turn out first! I may not be that good at it!

So back to the scan! My baby showed it’s beautiful face! And already has daddy’s nose! The consultant went picture happy and printed 5 pictures as this baby has been stubborn up until now.

The first picture
The first picture

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My baby is now weighing 2 lb 6oz and measuring a week ahead (27weeks) which will no doubt go in favour for when baby is brought into the world at 37 weeks 🙂