My name is Rachael.
I have created this blog to document my journey through a pregnancy after loss.
2 years ago on the 10th August 2012 my world came to a stand still when I found out my beautiful baby had passed away at 38 weeks during labour. 2 hours later I gave birth to the most beautiful boy I had ever seen in complete silence. He looked as though he was just sleeping. My sleeping angel.
I had developed sudden severe pre eclampsia, acute fatty liver and possibly hellp Syndrome. Non have been confirmed as I was to ill at the time after birth to be able to have further tests. A week later I was discharged from hospital carrying a keepsake box full of photos and keepsakes of my baby instead of leaving with my bundle of joy. It felt so surreal, like a nightmare I was struggling to wake up from. No one can prepare you for it, no one expects to come home empty handed and nothing anyone can say gives you the comfort or explanation you crave from then on.
You never ‘get over’ the loss of your child but time does make it easier, you may want to know how long it takes to be able to smile again or to live some form of a normal life unfortunately the answer is the same as the answer to how long is a piece of string? It varies from person to person. One thing that runs through all women’s minds after a loss is any future pregnancies and when to start trying again.
I fell pregnant 2 years after losing my angel baby and at that point I felt that I had given myself time to grieve for my son and to mentally prepare myself for the next 9 months ahead. I can now say that I don’t think any specific time between losing your child and falling pregnant again can prepare you for those 9 months as it all comes flooding back like it was yesterday.
So here I am hoping that writing about my journey to my rainbow baby not only helps me but I am hoping it can help anybody who is going through what I am and to tell you that you are not alone and everything you are feeling is normal for us angel mums.
If you have any questions or concerns feel free to contact me and I will reply as soon as I can.
Rachael
X-x
The Rainbow Journey 
Wow what a lovely blog. I know what you mean about dreaming of the positive test. We lost our daughter last October and after the consultant appointment in jan have been ttc, it’s so hard all round your mind over think things! I know I need to find a way of switching off, it’s just so very hard, if you have any tips please let me know. The 3D scan pictures look amazing and def something I would like during my next pregnancy. Hoping the weeks ahead are gentle. Xxxx
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The only advice I can give is to relax, it seems to happen when you don’t think about it, I stopped using ovulation sticks and stopped focusing on my period taking a ‘relaxed approach’ I booked a nice fancy holiday which helped me focus on other things and it happened whilst we were on holiday so it goes to show when your happy and enjoying yourself things just happen naturally. It’s easier said than done but as the months go by that urge to conceive starts to fade and you start to enjoy life instead of living in limbo. Xx
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Thank you for your advice I have just said to my husband things always happen when your not thinking about them! I got a BFN this morning. So I need to start focusing on other things. I am going to go to reflexology to try and help with my stress / anxiety as I am struggling at work. Did you not have any periods for a year? Xxx
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Im sorry to hear you had a bfn, yes I had no periods for a year and no explanation why, i still did ovulaton sticks as I thought that it would pick up when I did eventually ovulate but every month it give me false positives and I would be waiting for that bfp or my period and neither came every month! It was torture so I stopped them and decided I couldn’t carry on like this, don’t get me wrong it took me a year to finally take the relaxed approach so it isn’t as easy as we would like. After experience a loss like we have we all know that a piece of us goes with our child and we feel like a different person, the things we use to enjoy we don’t anymore and the way we see things changes, so I figured getting a new hobby or focusing my mind on something else would be the best option. All my passion at that point was to do things to honour lucas so I decided to raise money for sands and I started to make little pink and blue ribbon pins that represent baby loss with a little blue rose in the middle of them to represent my boy, I sold a lot and it kept me going and made me happy being able to raise money and find something I enjoy. In terms of work by the time I went back off maternity I was looking for another job I knew I couldn’t stay there after losing lucas I needed a change of environment somewhere they didn’t know what I had been through so the new me can start again In life without all the sad faces and everybody knowing my tragedy. Xx
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Wow what a lovely thing to do for sands. I have been training for 2 half marathons since the beginning of January to raise money for sands, it’s the only thing I seem to really be able to focus on. I have also want to write an article about returning to work, as the company I work for have truly been amazing, I am aiming to stay working 4 days a week now, in the hope I can keep the tears at bay while at work. Did you get a job in a different industry or just a different company? I have thought about looking else where but I think it would have to be a change of careers/job? Just a bit scared right now. The relief you must have felt when you finally got a period must have been incredible. Thank you for listening to me and giving advice 🙂 xxx
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It’s good that your finding things to focus on in a positive way, my previous employer was amazing and supportive but it’s just to much of a reminder when I was working during my pregnancy, I had a complete career change and it was what I need new people, new start and I can tell as much or as little of my life to whom I choose. It gave me something else to look forward too x
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Wow that’s amazing what were you doing and what are you doing now? I know what you mean about work being that constant reminder, it’s just so hard. I should of been on maternity leave with a work colleague. Xx
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I was working in a supermarket and now I’m working in the control room for the ambulance service, I also had that constant remind derived and then somebody fell pregnant with a boy and due around lucas’ s anniversary so all her milestones were constant reminders of me the year before and it just made it even harder. X
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Wow what a change, working in the ambulance control room sounds so interesting and a job with a real purpose. I am a graphic designer, and am struggling with caring for the adverts, brochures etc I am having to work on. Thank you for chatting to me today. Xxx
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